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🎥 New ADHDKC Parent Talk Recording: Parents Under Pressure
- Kristen Stuppy, MD FAAP
- 12 hours ago
- 27 min read
Parenting is hard. Parenting neurodivergent kids can feel even harder.
If you’ve been feeling overwhelmed, stretched thin, or like you’re constantly juggling too many responsibilities — you’re in good company.
This month’s ADHDKC Parent Group talk took place both at the J and online. It was our first hybrid meeting in quite a while, and of course the classic tech gremlins made an appearance. The projector wouldn’t share anything but a full screen, the camera refused to cooperate… you know how it goes. Thankfully, Dr. Stuppy had recorded a full run‑through earlier in the day, so we’re able to share a clean, uninterrupted version with you.
The session dives into something many parents experience but rarely name out loud: parental stress and caregiver wellbeing.
In this talk, pediatrician Dr. Kristen Stuppy unpacks why parenting today feels so heavy, how chronic stress affects our bodies and minds, and — most importantly — practical ways to lighten the load without adding more pressure to your life.
You’ll learn:
Why parents today report higher stress levels than other adults
How chronic stress affects sleep, focus, digestion, and emotional regulation
What’s actually happening in your brain and nervous system during stress
Simple, realistic strategies to support your mental and physical health
Why progress, not perfection, is the goal
This conversation blends science, lived experience, and compassionate strategies that parents can actually use in real life.
Feeling overwhelmed does not mean you’re failing as a parent.
It means you’re carrying a lot. Parents under pressure.
Small changes: better sleep habits, realistic boundaries, movement, connection with others — can gradually help your nervous system reset and make daily life feel more manageable.
You don’t have to fix everything at once. One small step forward is enough.
Watch or Listen — Your Choice
The full video recording is available now on our YouTube channel and is embedded in this week’s Substack post.
If you’d rather listen on the go, the audio version is also available on your favorite podcast player, making it easy to learn while commuting, walking, or doing chores. We’ve added ADHD KC Conversations to Apple podcast and Overcast.
Resources from Parents Under Pressure
Mind Tricks (mindfulness)
And if you know another parent who could use a reminder that they’re not alone in this, please share this talk with them.
Chapters
00:00 — Introduction to Parental Stress and Wellbeing05:32 — Understanding the Prevalence of Parental Stress10:12 — The Impact of Chronic Stress on Health22:05 — Recognizing Stress as a Signal for Self-Care23:19 — Practical Strategies for Managing Stress37:13 — Embracing Progress and Community Support
Transcript
Auto-generated. Excuse the errors.
Welcome to Parents Under Pressure, strengthening your mental health and wellbeing as a caregiver. Tonight, we’re talking about things most of us know, but don’t always recognize the full impact of, and that awareness can help us make more meaningful choices. Before we dive in, take a moment, close your eyes if you’d like, and just notice your body. Are your shoulders tight? Is your jaw clenched?
Is your mind already running through a million things you need to do tonight after this talk? And if so, you’re in the right place. Many of you are carrying a lot, not just because you’re doing anything wrong, but because what you’re navigating is genuinely hard. If you feel tired, overwhelmed, or stretched thin, nothing is wrong with you. You’re not failing. You’re just responding to a role in a world that has a lot of us. And tonight isn’t about you trying harder.
It’s about understanding why parenting can feel so heavy and what actually helps lighten the load. And by the end of tonight, you’ll learn the prevalence of parental stress, understanding the impact of stress on physical health. And this part’s a little heavy, but stick with me because you’ll leave with at least one way to better manage your stress.
And not to add to your pressure because I know this is a very busy slide, but since I’m talking as a representative for CHADD this is a summary of the participation agreement that CHADD requires for each event. You can read the whole thing from ADHDKC’s home page if you’re curious. This is just the main points and I’ve highlighted the most important parts for this group. In a nutshell, be kind to others. What’s said here stays here.
unless it’s information coming from me, which then you can certainly share, but if it’s a personal story or comment from some other participant, please don’t share. And then I do plan to share the recording. In fact, this is a pre-recording. And if you need any accommodations, let me know, which is a little late for the recording. And none of this is medical advice specific to you.
please talk to your own doctor or therapist for advice. And a little bit about me, I’m Kristen Steppe. I’m a pediatrician who works closely with families navigating ADHD and other neurodiversities, both in clinic and at home. I was diagnosed with ADHD myself within the past year and share my story in letters to my younger self from Find the ADHD Girls,
an organization focused on earlier diagnosis for girls because the delay worsens outcomes. I’m here tonight representing ADHDKC, our local CHADD chapter. I first got involved with ADHDKC in 2012 and the parent events that I attended helped me to learn better how to manage the chaos in my own home. And during the pandemic, I began leading the ADHDKC teen group online, which I still do and would
be happy to have any of your middle school or high schoolers join me. Those are very differently organized events, very interactive to keep the teens engaged because they cannot do a lecture format like this.
I now also teach kids and parents through the Teach Me ADHD program initiated by Dr. Nerissa Bauer, a behavioral pediatrician in the Indianapolis, Indiana area. And then I also write about ADHD and related conditions on my stub stack. It’s always free, so feel free to follow me at Quest for Health KC.
I also know firsthand what it’s like to feel the pressure of holding everything together. Like many women who were diagnosed with ADHD later in life, I stayed constantly busy because it kept me going. That was a good thing because it got me through medical school and residency and raising children and everything, but it also comes with a price. What we’ll talk about tonight comes from both the clinical science and real life, because those two are not able to be separated.
And before we go any further, I want to set a few expectations for our time together. This is not a space for perfection. I will not be perfect for sure. And you do not need to fix your whole life tonight. We’re all a work in progress. And so I love this passage from Braden Young, spoken from the point of view of a parent with ADHD. For neurotypical folks, there’s usually a buffer between I’m frustrated and I’m acting on frustration. For us,
that buffer is often non-existent or incredibly short. We’re impulsive with our emotions, just like we’re impulsive with everything else. Add in the stress of parenting, which is already emotionally demanding, sleep deprivation, sensory overload from a chaotic household, and the constant executive function demands. And it’s no wonder we sometimes lose it over a missing shirt. And if you’re parenting neurodivergent kids, which many of us are, given the genetic component of ADHD, you’re dealing with
their emotional dysregulation on top of your own. It’s like two emotional tornadoes colliding and someone has to be the calm in that storm except you’re also a tornado. So how does that work? I’m sharing this because it’s important to acknowledge that those of you who have neurodivergence in the home, stress leads to even more dysfunction. So a lot of us feel like we’re living in a tornado.
My hope is that you walk away with one or two insights that help you understand yourself with more compassion and maybe one small thing you can try that makes next week feel a little lighter. And throughout tonight, I invite you to check in with yourself. Notice what resonates. Notice what doesn’t. Take what’s helpful and leave the rest. And before we go any further, I am curious. Just a show of hands or if you’re online, emojis, how many of you would say you feel stressed?
most days of the week.
You’re not alone. For those of you who raised your hands, you are definitely in good company. In August of 2024, Vivek Murthy, the Surgeon General of the time, felt this was an important enough problem that he released an advisory on the mental health and wellbeing of parents. And tonight is about understanding why that is and what can be realistically done about it. Now, parenting has always been stressful, but right now it’s especially hard.
Recent data shows that parents consistently report higher stress levels than other adults. So if you’re comfortable, raise your hand if you ever felt like you have too much on your plate.
Who feels like everyone else seems to be have things together better than you?
It’s not surprising. A lot of us tend to hide it well and so do others. So it’s not recognized and stress shows up differently at every stage of parenting. In the early years, it’s sleep deprivation and adjusting to new roles. As kids grow, the challenges shift, managing their emotions, school pressure, social dynamics, and constant decision making. And by adolescence, parents are juggling with the increasing independence of their children, risk-taking behaviors, and they worry about their kids’ well-being.
all while managing work and daily life. The mental load is really heavy. So keeping track of schedules, needs, emotions, responsibility, both of yourself and of your children, and maybe your whole family, it takes a real cognitive energy. And over time, that constant demand can affect our focus, memory, and overall well-being. And the data backs this up. 33 % of parents reported high levels of stress compared to 20 % of other adults.
and nearly half of parents said that they were overwhelmed most days of the week. So for those of you who might be feeling this way, you’re definitely not alone. I want you to take a moment and reflect. What’s one word that describes how parenting has felt for you this week? Just think it in your head. You can zero it in on one word.
is naming feelings is the first step towards control. Name it to tame it. Helps to manage overwhelm, improves emotional regulation, and create space between feeling and emotion and reacting to it. The important thing to remember is this, you’re not alone in feeling this way. And while this level of stress is common, it doesn’t mean you have to carry it without support. It’s important not to carry guilt or the feeling that you should be doing something better.
When these thoughts show up, notice them. Their normal response to pressure, not a personal failure. So parents today face stressors that previous generations didn’t. The isolation, loneliness, social media, constant achievement pressure. And you’re not less capable. The expectations just keep stacking up. So you’re not alone. National data.
shows this affects many families. And mental health challenges also hit some parents harder. Experiences like community violence, poverty, racism, discrimination, health issues, and family structure all shape how stress shows up. And we all respond differently. That’s part of being human. As parents, we wear many hats. Each role comes with its own set of challenges. As you know, juggling these roles can lead to stress and burnout.
There are not enough hours in the day, so parents make time by taking away personal time they need for self-cares. Societal expectations and the comparison culture, especially with social media, can intensify these pressures. We all see people every day doing all these things, and it looks so seamless when they’re doing it. So why can’t we do them? Who has ever felt like you’re the only one not keeping up?
So we hold ourselves to the pressure to do it all. What we forget is what we see about others is the face they’re putting on. You don’t see that behind the scenes look. And if you did, you’d see that they are often struggling just as much as you are. It’s common to feel stressed sometimes. We all have some form of stress in our daily life, whether it’s sitting in traffic, trying to find lost shoes, trying to find a sitter when yours suddenly cancels on you, or rushing to meet a deadline at work.
And as frustrating as all these moments can be, they typically pass quickly and you can move on with your day. And before we talk about what to do about stress, it helps to understand what’s actually happening inside of our bodies when we feel overwhelmed. When we understand the why, it often is easier to be kinder to ourselves and to make changes that actually help.
The stress response kicks in when your body shifts into fight, flight, or freeze mode. That’s your brain’s way of protecting you from anything it reads as a threat. Today’s stressors aren’t usually things that we can run away from or physically fight, but our bodies still react as if they are. That means the same system meant to keep us safe can sometimes work against us. And when stress is constant, your body stays on high alert. That ongoing activation, which chronic stress,
can wear you down both physically and emotionally ⁓ So your health is impacted over time. And understanding what’s happening underneath the surface really matters. Much of what we feel today isn’t a personal flaw. It’s our nervous system doing exactly what it was built to do. And I’m going to explain the brain in a way that I do with kids ⁓ through the animals that live there. This is actually
topic of next month’s talk for the ADHDKC Teen Group. So if you feel like you have middle or high school students that could learn about this, I encourage you guys to join me in April. But I talk about the wise old owl. It lives in the frontal lobe, the part of our brain that helps us think, plan, and solve problems. The limbic system has its own animals too. The barking dog represents the amygdala. And that’s the part that scans for danger and wants to keep us safe.
But like a real dog, sometimes it barks at things that aren’t actual threats. Just like when the Amazon delivery guy comes to the door, the dog starts barking like you’re in danger. And when the dog barks, unfortunately, it scares away that wise old owl and the elephant. That’s our memory system. So that’s why when emotions are really strong, you can’t think clearly or remember things. When you said things like, can’t think straight, that’s because your owl was chased away.
And in real life, it’s not a literal dog. It’s the sympathetic nervous system kicking in and that system triggers the fight or flight, shifting blood away from the thinking parts of your brain towards a quick reaction survival system. Your heart races, your muscles tense, your breathing speeds up, which is great when you’re in physical danger and you need to run away or fight, but it’s not great for everyday stress. And with less blood reaching that frontal lobe, you cannot plan, you cannot organize, you cannot problem solve.
all of those things become really difficult. Your brain is prioritizing survival, not reflection. So that moment where your clear thinking disappears, isn’t you losing it, it’s your body doing exactly what it was designed to do, even if it’s not helpful in the moment.
The autonomic nervous system has two main parts, the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems. When you’re under stress, the sympathetic nervous system activates the body’s fight, flight or freeze response. Once the stress passes, the parasympathetic nervous system, the rest and digest system steps in to keep your body, ⁓ help it calm down and recover.
When stress becomes chronic, our fight and flight system can stay activated for too long. This constant state of alertness is exhausting for the body and the brain, and it can lead to headaches, difficulty concentrating, and feeling mentally scattered. Worrying thoughts take up mental space, making it harder to focus, increasing the risk of mistakes or accidents, and interfering with sleep. Who here has ever struggled to sleep because your brain just won’t shut off?
How about how many of you have woken in the middle of the night, like 1 a.m., when you’re stressed about something? Yep, I have done both of these things, and it’s not healthy. Over time, poor sleep further weakens your ability to regulate emotions, manage stress, and other things, which we will be talking about as we go through the body systems. But what this means in real life is that when you feel snappy, exhausted, or foggy,
you’re prone to making mistakes and it’s not a personal failure. It’s your body doing exactly what it was designed to do under chronic stress. So when people say it’s all in your head, it’s not actually true. Stress shows up in very real physical ways throughout your body. Let’s talk about how your body carries stress and why it can show up as a stomach issue, headaches, constant exhaustion. So when your body is under stress, your muscles automatically tense to prepare for that fight or flight.
And in short bursts, that tension fades once the stress passes. But with ongoing stress, these muscles can stay tight all the time, which can lead to chronic pain and discomfort. And persistent tension in the neck, shoulders, and head is a major driver of tension headaches and migraines. Stress can also show up as pain in the back, shoulders, and arms. And when you’re stressed, your body becomes more sensitive overall. So every pain that you feel feels sharper and harder to ignore. It turns up that volume.
So many people notice tight shoulders, jaw clenching, or headaches when they’re overwhelmed, and that’s your body responding the way it was designed to, just not in a way that helps you deal with everyday stress. And the respiratory system supplies oxygen and removes carbon dioxide from the body. So stress and strong emotions can cause respiratory symptoms, such as shortness of breath and rapid breathing, as the airway between the nose and the lungs constrict.
So the airway gets narrower. And studies show that acute stress can actually trigger asthma attacks in people with asthma or rapid breathing or hyperventilation caused by stress can bring on a panic attack in someone prone to panic attacks. And if you think about it, this is known well enough that it shows up in books and movies. So Goonies, 1985. Mickey is asthmatic and frequently uses his inhaler when nervous or scared.
And then more recently in Inside Out 2, Riley has a panic attack during a high stakes hockey game, illustrating her new emotion anxiety as it takes over the control panel in her mind. So these are things we know, right? It’s not new information.
When something sudden happens, like watching your child fall at the playground or getting cut off in traffic and slamming on the brakes to avoid an accident, your body reacts instantly. Your heart rate increases, your heart pumps harder, and those stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol surge through your system. This is your body’s way of preparing you to act quickly and stay safe. You guys all felt your heart pounding in moments like that?
Most of us have, right? And that response is completely normal and actually protective. You may feel like you’re having a heart attack, but you’re not. Your nervous system is doing exactly what it’s designed to do. When you’re stressed, the blood vessels that supply your heart and large muscles widen so more blood can rush to the places needed for quick action. Once the danger passes, the body is designed to settle back down. That made perfect sense back in the caveman days when you needed to run from danger.
to stay alive, right? And the people who did that well, the people who responded to that fight, flight or freeze response survived longer so they could procreate more. So that is actually a trait that has been passed down for generations. And it’s still helpful in true emergencies like protecting a child or stopping in traffic, but it’s not so helpful when you’re just nervous before a presentation and it becomes a problem when the stress response doesn’t turn off.
So with chronic stress, the heart rate and blood pressure can stay elevated for long stretches. And over time, that constant strain raises the risk for high blood pressure, heart disease, and even stroke. Stress doesn’t affect everyone the same way. For women, hormones matter. So before menopause, estrogen helps protect the blood vessels and supports recovery from stress. After menopause, that protection decreases so stress can have a bigger impact on heart health. It’s almost like it’s preparing us to be moms and having more stress, right?
⁓ So stress can also contribute to poor health behaviors linked to increased risk for heart disease, stroke, such as overeating and eating unhealthy foods. If you’re running late, you just stopped at the drive-through on your way somewhere. Or if you’re not getting enough physical activity, because it’s hard to make time for exercise when you have too much to do. And of course, sleep is impacted. Sleep is one of the most undervalued things to our health.
and self-medicating with drugs or alcohol to feel better, as well as forgetting to take prescribed medications as recommended, both are increasing our risk when we are stressed. So the risk of substance use disorder is very significant. And all of these can increase the risk of obesity, which in turn increases the risk of heart attacks, strokes, high blood pressure, as well as diabetes and other health risks.
Social media talks a lot about that mind-gut connection while trying to sell you something usually. The connection itself is real. Just don’t buy all this stuff to try to help your mind-gut connection. Gut bacteria help produce key neurotransmitters, including dopamine, which affects motivation, drive, and reward, serotonin, which affects mood stability and emotional balance, and GABA, the calming kind of break that reduces stress.
and chronic stress kills off the microbes that make these chemicals, which can affect mood, focus, and emotional regulation. Now, the gut has hundreds of millions of neurons and communicates constantly with the brain. That’s why we feel butterflies when we’re nervous or why stress can trigger pain, bloating, discomfort. Stress also changes eating patterns. Some people eat more, some people eat less, and a lot of times they eat less healthy food, the foods they crave, which aren’t necessarily broccoli. ⁓
And this can lead to heartburn, reflux, digestive upset. And it even affects how we swallow, increasing air intake, which causes more bloating and gas. And stress can slow gut motility, which increases stomach acid and disrupts that gut-brain axis, which can cause nausea, diarrhea, vomiting, or just general stomach upset. It also heightens sensitivity, so that discomfort feels more intense. It turns up that volume again.
So the gut’s protective barrier can weaken under chronic stress, allowing more bacteria to cross into the body. And the immune system actually handles this. But on-growing kind of chronic low-grade inflammation can worsen conditions like inflammatory bowel syndrome, reflux, ulcers, other things. Now in stressful situations, your adrenal glands, which sit right on top of your kidneys, produce more cortisol.
And over time, this can cause fatigue, depression, or issues with your immune system. And related to our endocrine system is our reproductive system. Low libido is a common side effect of chronic stress. Males may experience erectile dysfunction or impotence. In some cases, chronic stress can affect sperm production. And females may experience changes in their menstrual cycles or have troubles conceiving.
Chronic stress impacts your ability to fight off infection. A lot of people recognize when they are under a lot of stress, they have a lot to do, they’re more likely to get sick. And that’s not just your personal impression of it. Continuous exposure to cortisol suppresses immune function. And this results in an increase in infections and may impact the body’s ability to fight off cancers.
So I want to pause here for a minute. If you’re listening to all of this and thinking, no wonder I’m tired, no wonder I have headaches, gut symptoms, I get sick so often, or whatever it is your body feels from stress, you’re exactly right. Your body’s been working over time. And that was a lot to take in. It probably raised your anxiety a little bit thinking about it all. ⁓ So if you’re overwhelmed right now, that totally makes sense. Talking about stress can bring it closer to the surface before it gets better, and that’s okay. If this is resonating, you’re definitely not alone.
And if you remember nothing else, remember that your body is trying to protect you. Even when it feels like it’s betraying you. It’s doing what it’s supposed to do.
The good news is this, stress doesn’t have to be the enemy. While it can absolutely take a toll on our bodies and our minds, it can also be a signal, an invitation to pause, adjust and care for ourselves differently. You’ll hear a lot of messages out there promising those quick fixes or miracle solutions. And the truth is the most effective tools are usually much simpler and much more doable than they’re made out to be.
I’m not gonna sell you anything tonight, other than maybe some ideas, there’s a free. ⁓ They don’t require perfection or a total life overhaul. They start with self care, not the Instagram version, but the kind that helps your nervous system settle and your body recover. And often the moments where you feel the most overwhelmed are actually the moments when care matters the most.
We’ll focus on ⁓ some realistic, compassionate ways to support yourself, things that fit into your real life, ⁓ not add more to your plate. So instead of asking, what’s wrong with me? A more helpful question might be, what does my body need right now? And that’s where we’re gonna start shifting from pushing through to actually supporting ourselves.
The first thing you guys can do is start with setting limits. Who here has struggled with saying no? I know I have. And that can be problematic. You can’t do your best if you’re stretched too thin. List out all the projects, the commitments at home, at work, with your kids, that make you feel overwhelmed. Identify the tasks that you feel you absolutely must do in order to survive, to help your family, to help yourself.
to continue at work. And then try to see what you can cut back on, the things that are not essential. Learn to say no without guilt. No one can do it
You can ask for assistance in getting work done if you have a lot of volunteer things that you’re working on. Maybe ask for help with those. Refrain from accepting any more commitments until you feel your stress is under control.
Setting limits on non-essential obligations is important to your health. So stop feeling guilty when you say no to putting more on your plate. Every choice we make takes up brain energy. So limit your day to choices with routines. If you always wear the same outfit on Monday, have the same breakfast on Monday, and do the same routine every morning, Monday’s emotional load, mental capacity load,
is already lessened because you don’t have to make those little choices that you would have to do otherwise. Just set it on a routine. If you automate your day, it is so much easier.
And then exercise regularly. I know you guys all know this, right? But exercise can relieve stress, tension, anxiety, depression. You should find activities that are realistic for busy parents. Like play with your kids instead of watching them play. Go to the park and run around with them. Or at least at work, get up and walk around once an hour. Do some chair squats as you work through emails or lift some light weights as you listen in on a Zoom call.
make a commitment to only watch TV if you’re on a stationary bike, a rowing machine, or a treadmill. I actually do not like to exercise, so I either pay for a group class because then I’ve invested some money in it and it has a time on my calendar that helps me do it. ⁓ Or I get into a TV series, something I can watch on Netflix or YouTube or whatever, and I row. I have a rowing machine and I make a commitment to myself that I cannot watch that show unless I’m rowing.
It works. So if you need motivation, find what works for you. Maybe ask a friend to join you on a walk or some other activity.
Regular moderate to vigorous activity, which is 30 to 60 minutes three times a week enhances gut motility strengthens your intestinal barrier and Reduces harmful inflammation. Exercise even helps the gut microbiome along with your diet.
All right, we all want our kids to eat well, speaking of diets, but it’s really hard when we’re juggling work, school, and activities. Think about small ways that you can make nutrition easier. A meal prep session, either on your own or with friends, because community is also really important for stress management. So get together and meal prep. Stock your freezer for the week, save time and money, and lower daily stress. You can also prep fruits and veggies in grab-and-go containers, and that helps everyone make healthier choices.
I know when my kids were younger, if I had strawberries, which they loved and they were like the perfect ripeness that they liked and everything was good, they would not eat it if they had to rinse it and cut the little green tip off. Right? Like make it easier for them. Rinse them, cut them up, put them in little self-serve containers. Then they would grab them and eat them. Carry a water bottle and aim to finish it each day. Try to limit caffeine.
more than 400 milligrams a day, which is about four to five cups of coffee or two energy drinks can increase anxiety and make stress feel worse. So try to cut back on that.
And then remember that our gut bacteria make those neurotransmitters, right?
In addition to exercise to support our gut microbiome, one simple hack would be to add one fermented food per day. This provides probiotics for your dopamine factory. And fermented foods seed your gut with bacteria that influence neurotransmitter production and inflammation.
These fermented foods might include things like yogurt, sauerkraut, kimchi, certain pickles. You have to lick some of them or just in vinegar, but they have to have the live cultures in them. Anything that is fermented can help your gut, but you also need to feed the bacteria with fiber or they die. So that’s where oats, beans, lentils, berries, bananas, nuts and seeds all come in.
One neurotransmitter I want to spend a little bit more time on is dopamine. This is the brain’s reward chemical, driving motivation, pleasure, movement, memory, and attention. It regulates focus, learning, and motor function. So protein is that neurotransmitter fuel. Meat, eggs, fish, poultry, legumes, nuts. We all know what protein is, right? But this provides the building blocks, the tyrosine, the phenylalanine.
needed to make dopamine for motivation, drive, and cognitive energy. And if ADHD lives in your home, people with ADHD are well known to have lesser dopamine. So eating protein is one way to elevate the dopamine. Exercise also helps. Doing favorite activities helps. There’s lots of ways to elevate it, but protein is something that everyone needs, especially people living with ADHD. Low protein can lead to brain fog, low motivation, emotional flatness.
All right, as sleep is necessary, so the brain can grow, reorganize, restructure, make neural connections, and so much more. In the interest of time, I’m not goingto go through all the things that happens when you sleep. We could spend a full hour on that, but the main benefits are on this slide. And this lack of talking about it somehow parallels how we treat sleep in general. It gets dismissed when other things come up.
Too many of us stay up too late or get up too early to do other things, but sleep should be a priority. It’s not time wasted. Adults need generally seven to nine hours of sleep. And how many of you guys actually got that last night?
So good sleep matters and a few habits can help make it easier. Try to limit stimulants like caffeine and nicotine and sometimes ADHD medications ⁓ later in the day, unless your prescriber advises otherwise. Even caffeine feels calming. like, especially for people with ADHD where their mind is going crazy, the caffeine and other stimulants help to calm the mind. So some people do say they fall asleep faster, but it still reduces deep restorative sleep.
and it stays in the body for five to six hours. So an afternoon cup of tea or coffee can still affect your night. If you’re exhausted, a short nap, about 15 to 20 minutes can be more helpful than pushing through with caffeine. There is a thought of a caffeine nap where you drink a cup of black coffee and it is specific black coffee, not any of the sugar sweetened
other drinks because the sugar then interferes. But if you drink black coffee then lay down and nap for 15 to 20 minutes the caffeine starts to increase as you wake up so then you can be more alert after the nap from sleep and the benefit of the caffeine. But again you need to be careful not to do this too close to bedtime. And nicotine including vaping and chewing as well as smoking also disrupts
Alcohol may help you fall asleep faster, but it tends to fragment the sleep later in the night, which increases your awakenings and can worsen snoring or sleep apnea, which is harmful to restful sleep. It’s also a diuretic, which means you’re gonna have to get up and pee more often. So nobody sleeps well with those things. And if cutting back on caffeine, nicotine, or alcohol is difficult, that’s not a personal failure. These things are hard to quit. They’re habit-forming and getting some support can make a real difference. So talk with your doctor.
And of course, screens make it harder for adults, just like they do for our kids. The light from the devices suppresses melatonin, and the content that you’re scrolling, the news that you’re watching, the social media that you’re checking, all those endless feeds, they keep the brain stimulated instead of winding down. So when we don’t get enough sleep, the body becomes less responsive to melatonin, which also creates this cycle of ongoing sleep trouble.
Social media can also increase anxiety and lower self-esteem by showing those filtered versions. Everybody else’s perfect life out there. Then you compare yourself and you feel like a failure. So this adds pressure and self-criticism and not helpful. We remind our kids of this stuff all the time, but it applies to adults as well. So being mindful of screen use isn’t about restriction. It’s about protecting your rest and well-being.
The AAP’s Family Media Plan, which is posted here in the image, is a helpful tool for those of you who want to help set family boundaries. It’s easy to find online. If you search AAP Family Media Plan, you can find it.
So consistency helps your brain recognize when it’s time to wind down. Going to bed at a similar time each night and having a simple calming routine signals safety and that helps your nervous system shift into a rest mode. Gentle stretching, mindfulness, journaling, or a quick brain dump, just writing it all out can help quiet that racing mind.
Limiting screens before bed matters. This is one of the best things that anyone can do to help get to sleep better. ⁓ Turning devices off an hour or two before bedtime can be very helpful.
Melatonin supplements can help some people, but they aren’t regulated like medications and aren’t a substitute for healthy sleep habits that help your brain wind down more naturally. In daytime movement, morning light and a cool, dark, quiet bedroom all help support better sleep. Pets in the bed can be disruptive, especially for light sleepers. And then keep your phones out.
I do want you to get your phones out now. We’re not sleeping. And I want you to ⁓ click on this QR code if you are struggling with sleep. This is a program that you can follow for free from the Mayo Clinic and it has CBT for insomnia.
It takes several weeks to go through the program, but it’s free and you can do it at home. And if this is not sufficient for you, then work with your doctor or a therapist because there is a specific cognitive behavioral tool to help with insomnia because it is that important. All right. And then mindfulness and meditation have been around for centuries and most religions have some sort of form of mindfulness practice, but it’s not inherently a religious act. Fads don’t persist like this. ⁓
It has been around for so long, but in recent years, scientists have actually been able to study the brain and find amazing things like increased brain matter in the areas of the brain that problem solve and decreased in areas of the brain that worry. We spent an hour talking about this for a past ADHDKC event and invite you to watch the recording sometime. The QR code will get you there or you can find it from the homepage of ADHDKC.org with the past events.
All right, and then I want you to spend time on yourself. Practice positive thinking by replacing recurring negative thoughts. We bully ourselves, telling ourselves the same negative story over and over and over again, and then we believe it because it’s spoken really loud. If you can change that to a positive affirmation or rework the negative thought to something more positive and say that over and over and over again, you will start to believe the positive thinking.
A gratitude journal can help your brain focus on what’s going well in your life. So when you feel overwhelmed and exhausted and think nothing is going right, you can look through your journal and see, yeah, that was a good thing. I do appreciate that. And mindfulness can help ground you when things feel overwhelming. Also staying connected with friends and family, talking with the people you trust, all of that matters. Find hobbies that keep you engaged so you’re not stuck in the worried loops. You’re enjoying something that you enjoy.
And if you’re struggling, ask for help. Let others feel good by supporting you, just like you feel good when you support them. And asking for help is a strength, not a weakness. And even something like a carpool can help free up hours in your day to help lighten your load. To help others when you can, all adds up, because helping others feels good. ⁓
So if you’re still struggling, reach out to a physician or a therapist. I know access isn’t always easy, and that’s part of why I started doing these ADHD KC talks and all of my other stuff with my blog and everything, because I want to support everyone and I want to make it more reachable for families. Now figuring out how stress affects your body is an important step in dealing with it. Identify sources of stress in your life and look for ways to reduce or manage them.
As we wrap up, I want to remind you of something important. Nothing you heard tonight means you’re doing anything wrong. If anything, it helps explain why things can feel so hard sometimes. And that makes sense. Parenting neurodivergent kids is hard work. Feeling overwhelmed does not make you a failure. It means you’re maxed out and burnout is real. Not everyone will understand. You don’t need more willpower. You need more support and rest.
So cut back on commitments and say no without apologizing. Lower your expectations of how you think things should be. And don’t forget to celebrate the small wins. Try to check in with yourself every day. How are you doing? What do you need? What can you do to make your day easier? And you don’t need to fix everything at once. You don’t need a perfect routine or a perfect plan. Even small moments of awareness, rest, or self-compassion can make real differences over time.
Progress is quiet and gradual, and that’s okay. And as you leave tonight, I hope you can carry one simple message with you. Your body and mind are doing their best. With a little understanding and support, you can find more balance. And I have Post-It notes on the tables. Everyone take one and write one health-related commitment that you will work on this week. I put some of the tips shared here to consider.
Do what’s possible to bolster your health so that you have the energy and the strength to tackle the challenges you are facing. One small step can have a positive effect. And taking positive steps for your health will help you manage your stress. So don’t try to do it all today. One step at a time makes a difference. You will get there with those one little steps. And sometimes there will be a backward step and that’s okay because you in general can still move forward.
Making changes are hard. So bring in your community. Find people who support you, who can help you along the way.
All right, I put the QR codes here again. The first is to encourage you to learn about mindfulness. And the second, kind of more pink one, is the link for CBT for insomnia. And I want to invite everyone to follow my Sub stack There’s a link from that Mind Tricks page ⁓ that the QR leads to, or it’s just drkristenstuppy.substack.com I write a lot about ADHD, anxiety, and related things. ⁓
Thank you for showing up for yourself and for the people who you care about. I hope that you all leave feeling a little lighter and more informed and you find ways to be more kind to yourself.
Use what you wrote down here to work on you this week. All right, what are your questions?
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